Smile

This PostSecret makes me smile.

I consider myself bi even though I have yet to date a woman.  Some of my college friends are slightly in denial about the whole thing.  I think it makes them nervous/uncomfortable that I could have been attracted to them when they were wandering around the room naked (a few of you, yes, but I wouldn't have admitted it back then).  I managed to befriend many conservatives who later admitted they were afraid to be roomed with a lesbian.  I had no idea lesbians were scary. :)

When I told my last partner that I was bi he was quiet for a time before he started asking questions.  Most of the answers he wanted skirted around fidelity.  For some reason his brain linked bisexuality with promiscuity and infidelity.  The pool of potential partners may seem larger, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go shag as many people as possible.  It also doesn't mean that I'm going to think shagging someone of the opposite sex to whom I'm dating won't be cheating.  I have a straight friend whose boyfriend doesn't mind her making out with women because she's straight.  I find this slightly odd, but to each their own.  In my case it would be cheating, something I have never done.  I've been a cheat-ee, which I occasionally regret, but never a cheat-er.

Alright, time to get back to Penelope.  She's been patiently waiting for my attention.

'I love you'

Those words can be breathtaking - in more ways than one.  When my ex first reiterated them a few months ago I was so grateful.  I was going through a hard time and he was there as a friend.  What he actually said was, "I love you and I trust you."  It made everything okay.  He trusted me to be there for my friend whose mother had just passed.  He was saying that I was strong enough.  Back then our friendship was good and it was pure.  I helped him, he helped me - no romantic clutter.

Then we started getting closer.  When one late night on Skype after a long talk about the past he said 'I love you' I was speechless. He loved me.  After all this time.  I was the person he turned to when he needed someone.

We've been chatting since and somehow I've agreed to fly out to meet him after I've sent this manuscript into the publishers.  Somewhere along the line his emotional need has become more and more apparent.  When we first met I was his emotional stabilizer.  We became each other's stabilizers.  I needed him emotionally for so long, but recently I've found my feet.  I'm standing alone and I like it.  I wouldn't mind a romp with him - for that I'd fly out to see him.  But I don't want him as a partner - he can keep his current girlfriend for that.  I feel bad for her.  They met when he and I were friend w/benefits.  It stopped for a time, but he has cheated on her multiple times with me.  That finally stopped when they moved to the west coast.

He was talking about all of the things that could have been when we were together the first time.  In reality they couldn't have been.  Things happened the way they did because we were young and naive.

His 'I love you' from last night stirred nothing.  If I let this go too long he may irrevocably damage what he has with her and I can't pick up the pieces without losing some of my footing.

I want to go back to that time when we weren't cluttered with lust.  The relationship was exactly what I needed and what would help me now.  Its nice to know that he desires after me, but I'd like an actual friendship.

'So Much Pretty'

I just finished reading 'So Much Pretty' by Cara Hoffman this evening.

     I bought it on a whim, without having read it, after skimming a description by NPR's 'What We're Reading This Week'.  I have found myself drawn to these kinds of stories lately, stories that draw attention to violence against women.  The views from which this story was approached was both helpful and frustrating at times, jumping from person to person and from one point in time to another.  This seemingly jumbled approach, once I was used to it, drew me into the world of Haeden, NY.  I followed Wendy's story and at a few points wanted to stop when I saw it was her turn.  I watch violence in television shows and movies, but the few brief pages of Wendy after she was taken had much more weight, perhaps because I had to be more mentally engaged.  I wanted full retribution for what had been done to Wendy; I saw the plot following that of a Criminal Minds episode where another girl is taken and she is saved in the nick of time - bad guys caught, girl at home damaged but alive, and the moral is that bad men can come from anywhere.  Truly I should have seen the real ending coming, but the fact that I didn't made reading the book that much better.  I also liked how at the end when the plot from the scattered pieces was stitched together the text went from third person to first for Alice.  Of all the pieces before this the only one to be presented in first person was Flynn, the reporter.

I would say more but I don't want to ruin the outcome - I highly recommend adding this novel to your shelf.